Understanding Family Differences

When I was a little girl of 5 years, I remember finding the most joy in wearing my mother’s high heels. I loved the clickety-clack sound those pointy heels made on our wood floors all over the house. Then the day came when I was allowed to wear a little of her lip color on my lips, her white gloves and her gold necklace, my heart skipped a beat. I wanted to be just like my mom when I grew up and wearing her beautiful things somehow made me feel just a little bit more like her. I grew up hearing in those early years that I was just like my mom in so many ways, her dark hair, her white skin and blue eyes. I was told often from relatives and friends that I looked just like my mother. I rarely thought of myself as someone entirely separate—similar to her in certain ways, yet fundamentally different in many others. I'm not sure my mother ever truly saw me; rather, she saw a smaller version of herself, the one reflected back through others' perceptions. Even now, I can acknowledge the similarities between us, but we are, without a doubt, two distinct people.

When my first born daughter came into the world, the first thing I did was to compare all of her features, expressions and movements to my own and other family members. There is something amazingly beautiful to see one’s characteristics in your child, from their looks to their moods and other traits we share. “Oh she has grandmas overbite” or “He has grandpa’s sparkly blue eyes!” It’s a fun time trying to figure out their characteristics and who they mostly resemble.

We may be tempted to think that because we identify our characteristics, talents and strengths in our children so clearly, even at birth, that somehow we know them in a unique way, even before they are fully grown.

We may grapple and spend a lifetime trying to understand our children. We read books, seek doctors, teachers, family and specialists often gleaning little insights here and there, but not really solving the big mystery of who this child is. Take the new baby who seems to cry for no apparent reason, mother has tried everything and made sure she has all of her needs met. Then walks in Aunt Carol who takes the unconsolable child into her arms and everything is instantly calm again. How can a mother not know her own daughter’s needs? Is there a possible correlation between what we “think” we should know about our children and what we actually know?

Take, for instance, a family I once coached—a father and his 12-year-old daughter who were constantly at odds. It wasn’t a matter of lacking love or devotion, but rather something the father saw as rebellion in her, something he struggled to make sense of. After all, he'd been told since the day she was born that his daughter was “just like him.” But what does that really mean? Are they like us simply because they share our dimples or the mischievous way they say “no” and run the other way? I'm not sure we’ll ever fully know the extent of it. What I do know is this: our children are both like us—and not like us. It’s this paradox we must be willing to explore and wrestle with, and that’s exactly what I hope to shed light on here.

What is a disposition?

By the age of three one can identify and see the traits of a disposition or personality clearly defined. A disposition is the personality traits that one is born with. However the child is nurtured, the personality will either organically surface or be hidden until a further time. As for myself, I was considered an oddly, shy child. I was four of five and never felt for a second I had a chance to be heard, so I stayed quiet. I was the first born girl amidst, three loud, rambunctious boys..and once grown, rarely did one even know I was there. Inside however, I felt differently, there was a storm brewing and one day, like a fever it just came out. I was 14 years old and without a second thought I felt I was all grown up and ready to take on the world, all shyness put aside.

When a parent comes to me and tells me that they “know” their child inside and out yet cannot figure out how to engage them in learning, I become curious. Curious about who the child really is. It is not that the parent is wrong and doesn’t know who their child is, of course they do, however it can be a mystery at times to find what motivates the child, especially when you want them to do something important like learning to read. But that struggle in itself may be the key to unlocking something mysterious and wonderful about you and your child.

As parents, we often assume there shouldn’t be much resistance when something needs to be done. A child is given a directive—so they should simply follow it, emotions aside. And in many families, that’s exactly what happens. The child does as they’re told, and on the surface, everything seems fine. But are they really fine?

In my work, I’ve met children with a naturally caring nature—deeply aware of and invested in their relationships. We might call these children “compliant” because they rarely push back. There’s no power struggle, no defiance. But their willingness to comply often stems from the value they place on connection. Their sense of worth is intertwined with the harmony of the relationships they cherish.

So what if we understood the true motivation behind a child’s cooperation? Would it change how we respond to them? And more broadly, how do we begin to uncover what intrinsically motivates any of us? Understanding a child’s disposition I beleive is the key.

What I value most in my work with parents  is the opportunity to discover with them a new way to see their child and then practical tools to help them discover what truly motivates their child to learn. Are you ready to learn more?